Lonesome

    I had a big cry today. Nothing in particular set it off, at least nothing that I can think of, it’s just been an accumulation of a lot of emotional stress over the last few days (or maybe weeks). I slept in a lot, and then I was just so overwhelmingly sad that I burst into tears for no reason at all.

  The more I think about it, the more I think it has to do with this sort of isolating quarantine that I’ve had to live in. If you know me at all then you must know that I really like people. I like the people I work with, I like making new friends, I like going out, I like to be social. In fact, I think I really NEED it in order to be happy. Everyone does, to one degree or another, but it just so happens that I’m the kind of person who needs a lot more social interaction to feel fulfilled and joyful. I remember reading somewhere that an introvert feels drained by the company of people, while extroverts feed off of group interaction and are energized by it. I definitely fall into the latter category.

   I’m at a point in my life where circumstance has distanced a lot of my close friends, and then all this sickness and chemotherapy just makes the situation so much worse. Every single day I feel tired and nauseated, and that’s not a good recipe for hanging out or having the energy to feel social. That means I stay at home a lot and hang out with my parents (although I love my parents, I’m not counting that time as “social”), and in return all that time alone depresses me and makes me less energetic. It’s an increasing cycle of loneliness and isolation, but it’s difficult to break because there’s a very real physical illness driving it.

     So what do I do? I guess right now it seems like the only thing I can do is wait it out. My last day of chemo is next Tuesday, and after that I’ll start feeling better little-by-little. Hopefully my cheer will return once I’m feeling well enough to hang out with friends again, and until then I’ll try to find ways to keep myself entertained so I don’t completely give in to feeling miserable.

    Cancer isn’t fun, guys. I don’t recommend it.