Big n' Toasty

   Today is one of those days when I’m not feeling so great, physically or mentally. In general, my chemo weeks seem to start out okay, but as the week wears on the effects add up and I get a little more run down. I think what’s getting to me most at the moment are the visible physical effects that all these drugs are having on my body. Today alone I’ve swallowed or ingested eight different drugs, and that doesn’t even include the weekly ones that have long lasting effects. So what exactly am I dealing with? Let’s break it down.

1. Hair loss. Okay, I know this one is a given. We all knew it was going to happen, and I was as prepared as could be. I might start to feel differently when my hair has completely fallen out and it no longer looks like I caught mange, but for now I am NOT happy with the patchy, stubbly conditions on my head. Even when I don’t feel sick, I look sick, and it’s just a constant reminder that I actually have cancer. No fun.

so patchy and sickly looking!

2. Fluid retention. One of the drugs that I get for chemo, cysplatin, can do quite a number on your kidneys. To protect my kidneys from any damage, I get A LOT of fluid during my chemo weeks. There’s at least 2 liters going in during the morning, and I drink another 1.5 throughout the rest of the day. Combine that with steroid treatment, and I blow up like a balloon. For example, on Tuesday morning I weighed in at 129lbs. This morning I weighed 137lb. All that water is just hanging out, making my face puffy and my fingers fat and generally making me feel inflated and uncomfortable all over the place. And another thing about that damn scale…

3. Weight gain. I guess this can be attributed to multiple factors. The fact that I’m going through menopause, taking steroids, and occasionally eating quite a lot means that I am putting on more than just water weight. This wouldn’t normally bother me that much since I’m used to my weight fluctuating a bit, but the wacky hormones mean that I am putting on weight in places I’ve never gained weight before. Sure my butt is bigger, but I’m also much thicker all around my midsection and hold on... what is UP with back fat??? I’m actually going to have to buy larger sweatpants. Heck, I’m going to have to buy larger underwear. I’ll spare you any gross photos of what I look like trying to fit into my normal pants, but here’s a hint.

4. Hot flashes. Speaking of those sneaky menopausal hormones, it seems they like to toy with my internal thermostat as well. I was actually quite curious about hot flashes, are they really as horrible as middle-aged ladies like to make them out to be? Well, yes, yes they are. Individual hot flashes aren’t that bad, it just feels like the room warmed up suddenly and now you’re all sweaty. Try getting some sleep or relaxing when the temperature changes radically every 20 minutes, and you’ll see why it can start to get on your nerves.

    So to recap: I’m bald, bloated, fat, and sweaty. I don’t feel like myself and I don’t look like myself, and that’s getting me down.