I want to talk a little about my history of depression, because it’s been on my mind recently. Most (if not all) of you probably had no reason to think of me as person that has a mood disorder. Actually, if you had to guess you’d probably go with “manic”. That’s cool, I know I talk fast. For the first 22 years of my life, I would never have thought of myself as a person with depression either. It’s only in retrospect that I realize this is something that’s affected me all my life (at least since I was 14-ish). At the tail end of college, things sort of came to a head. A lot of people reading this have a medical background, so when I tell you I was having trouble concentrating, feeling guilty and helpless, sleeping all day, losing interest in social activities, losing weight, not going to class… well you probably have a little checklist in your head titled “symptoms of depression” that you’re checking off one-by-one in red pen (too specific? That’s what happens in my head).
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| Just go ahead and check all the boxes. |
I wish I’d had that checklist four years ago, but I didn’t. I waited until I didn’t know where else to go, and then I went to student health. Here’s a lesson I would like ANYONE in college to please please take to heart: If you don’t know what to do, go to student health. As it turns out, there are so many people who WANT to help you if they know you need it. I got set up with good support from a psychiatrist and academic counseling to figure out some immediate solutions to my biggest problems.
Of course, no one gets better overnight. It’s a lot of difficult work to admit that you’re depressed (especially when you’re known for your cheerful attitude), its hard to talk about, and it’s even more work to wrap your mind around the fact that you might actually have to take something for it. Many of you may have personal experience with depression, or maybe you just know someone who does. (None of you fit in neither of those categories, cuz you’re reading this). I don’t know exactly how to describe it, but sometimes it feels like you’re treading water and going nowhere, permanently stuck. Sometimes it’s absolutely hopeless and desperate and you’d do anything in the world to feel differently. Usually its like being at the bottom of a deep, dark hole, and you can’t really find your way out until you figure out how you got in. And it is always, always deeply frustrating.
The second time in my life that I suffered a major depressive episode it was my own fault (well, the lead-up was). I’d been back in Boston for a while and I was mostly happy and healthy. So I was cured, right? I mean, I’m not like a crazy person that has a problem I just had a rough time for a bit but now I’m totally okay and I don’t need to see anyone or take anything cuz I’m normal just like you and everyone else. See how stupid that sounds now? It seemed completely reasonable in my head at the time. Anyway, combine a lack of support system with spiraling emotional health mix in a life-changing breakup, bake in an oven for two seconds, and you’ve got a recipe for disaster. So how did I get there after everything I learned the first time? And why open up and tell everyone about this now? We’re here for cancer, right? Thanks for asking! Here is your answer.
My opinion and perspective on depression has weight. It is valuable. This experience with cancer and everything else I’ve had go wrong has taught me that I am strong and willful. I’m not trying to just brag about myself here, but empirically speaking, I have managed to weather this storm well. I think that, up to this point, I always had a lingering doubt that my issues with depression were due to some intrinsic weakness on my part. I was lazy, maybe, or scared to face big problems. We grew up in a culture that values hard work. If you have the right work ethic and put your mind to it, you can do anything. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, right? NO. Wrong. I am strong, and independent, and willful, and this happened to me anyway. You can be strong, and good, and hard-working, and this might happen to you too. So let’s change the way the world looks at depression, ok?
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| I am a warrior. |
At Children’s Hospital we sometimes see patients with osteogenesis imperfecta. This is an incurable genetic bone disorder that causes brittle, easily broken bones. A person cannot will themselves to not have osteogenisis imperfecta. A person cannot fix their own broken bone all by themselves without going to a doctor and expect it to heal properly. A person cannot cure osteogenisis imperfecta after a couple of months of treatment, then expect not to have to deal with it again. Get it? Depression is like OI. Sometimes you break a bone when someone else would have only sprained it, and that’s okay. Sometimes you’ll have to take a pill everyday so that your bones are strong like they’re supposed to be, and that’s okay. Sometimes you’ll need time and professional medical help to heal well, and that’s okay. The point is, it’s not our fault. I didn’t do anything wrong to get depression, any more than I did anything wrong to get cancer. It is just as unfair, but it is also treatable. I’ll go for checkups with my psychiatrist even when I feel well, the same way I’ll need to follow up with my oncologist every few months when I’m in remission. I’ll have to be extra alert to signs of both of these diseases for the rest of my life, but it’s okay because there is so much help available to me on both fronts. I sincerely hope you see it that way too.
Hey, if you’re still curious click on a link. It can’t hurt. Or go watch Unbreakable, because that’s just a good movie.
