Wow oh wow has this been a long time coming. I realize
that last post I wrote was almost four months ago and I’ve been keeping you
guys hanging this whole time. Apologies. Part of my reluctance in posting is
due to the fact that I always intended for this post to be my final one. I
created this blog to help me keep in touch with friends and document my
experience while fighting cancer. I’m done with that now, so there’s really no
more reason to keep this going. Still, goodbyes are sad and in some strange way
I’m kind of reluctant to definitively close this chapter of my life. So I’ll
make you guys a deal: there will be no frequent posting, but if something comes
up that is cancer-related and crucial to my life I will not hesitate to dust
off the keyboard and tell you all about it. (This is the “we can still be friends” of blog-breakups.) Ok
let’s get to the important stuff…
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| My home/prison for the next 24 months |
I GOT IN TO DUKE!!!!! I found out less than a week
after I went for my interview, so I’ve already gotten to enjoy this feeling for
a few months. Honestly, I think I was starting to take it for granted a bit
until I re-read my last post and was reminded of how much it means to me. I’ll
be in Durham, North Carolina for a pretty intense two-year program, but at the end
of it I’ll be in my dream job. How awesome is that?!? It just gets better: one
of my good friends from work got into the same program, so I’ll get to be
roomies with Ms.Dana Riker. I bet this won’t really totally sink in ‘till I’m
packing up a U-Haul and driving south but it’s gotta be the second best news I’ve
received in the last few months. Why second best? Well…
BECAUSE THE BEST NEWS IS THAT I AM CANCER-FREE
AND IN REMISSION!!!! Yes, I realize that’s the second paragraph in a row to
start with all caps but you can just go ahead and shut up about that because I
am CANCER-FREE and it’s simply impossible to write in lowercase :-D Oh happy day!!! Happy faces galore!!! I’m in
complete remission, which means that there are absolutely no signs or symptoms
to indicate that there is any more cancer in my body. Nobody can ever guarantee
that I don’t have a few rogue cancer cells still floating around somewhere, so
I’ll keep going to my oncology checkups every few months for the next couple of
years… and then every six months for a few years after that, and then yearly
for the rest of my long, healthy, happy, cancer-free life :-)
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| This is not the actual photo of my friends and me celebrating. That photo involved shots and scrubs and this is way prettier. |
How do I even start to explain to you what it
feels like to be done with this? I’m
not sure that I can even identify to myself how I feel about it. Can you
believe it hasn’t even been one year? On September 21st I went for a
seemingly normal visit with my doctor, and on April 12th I was
officially in remission. Six and
half months for my life to be turned upside-down, for everything I took for
granted to be knocked senseless, for me to hit lows I was completely unprepared
for and then rocket right back up to the highest highs. I know I’m being dramatic but c’mon,
this WAS dramatic!!!! It’s shaken
me up quite a bit, and I don’t think I’m settled yet. There are some big questions
up in the air (will I be able to have kids?) but the overwhelming sensation is
just absolute joy. A little while
ago I wrote about how having cancer gives you the freedom to face the rest of
life absolutely unafraid. This is still true, but I guess I never realized how
it also gives you the freedom to be absolutely happy. I don’t have to
second-guess good things that come my way in life, or be restrained in my
enjoyment of life’s small pleasures, or have any doubts whatsoever about my
worth as a person. I spent 204
days in pain, fighting, suffering, crying, and believe me I am DONE with that.
I have EARNED my happiness now and I am going to enjoy the hell out of
it!!!!!!! I plan to spend my
summer having an absolutely fabulous time with my friends, partying, laughing,
dancing, drinking, and listening to too many Kelly Clarkson-esque inspirational
power pop-ballads.
Well it turns
out there is more that I still have to say, but it’s late and I don’t want to
bore you. I absolutely promise to
finish this tomorrow, and the upside is that I don’t have to say goodbye QUITE
yet :-)
